*SPOILER ALERT* (Don’t worry, you’ll still love the film)
As I browse Netflix looking for a film to watch, I notice a poster for a film that gives me an odd sense of nostalgia. It’s the poster for the film Jack Frost, a 90’s horror film about a serial killer, named Jack Frost, whose DNA gets infused with snow because of a toxic chemical spill, making him a nearly unstoppable snowman. I do remember watching it as a child, but the thing I remember most was whenever I went to Movie Gallery (R.I.P.), I would immediately go to the horror section of the store (which might explain my psycho/sociopathic ways now) and would see the “special edition” VHS cover of Jack Frost, where if you look at it head on, it looks like a regular snowman, but if you looked at it from another angle, it would be a creepy looking snow-covered skull. I can still feel the scratchy feeling cover, where if you swipe your fingernails on it back and forth you would feel like a DJ.
This movie was screwed over by every single awards show, as this amazing movie was not even nominated for any awards. It should have at least won best special effects if not best picture, best director (Michael Cooney), best adapted screenplay (Michael Cooney), best actor (Christopher Allport), best supporting actor (Scott MacDonald), and best cinematography (Dean Lent). Considering that I slam my head against a nail riddled 2×4 for an hour every day knowing that Titanic not only exists, but also won best picture and best director at the academy awards. This movie is so amazing that Steven Spielberg cries every single day he wakes up because he regrets not doing it first. 3 time winner and twelve time Academy Award Nominee Jack Nicholson gets up and punches his butler square in the jaw twice a day because he wishes that he played Jack Frost instead of Scott MacDonald, but you can’t always get what you want, Jack.
The second murder (the first one was just an old dead guy whose neck gets bent back that we didn’t get to see happen) happens when Frost goes to the house of the detective who locked him away in jail and the son of said detective is being pushed around. The kid is getting pushed around because the bullies want to have a sled race that starts on the kid’s lawn so he pushes the son out of the way and a kid starts sledding. This prompts Jack to push the douche down causing the kid on the sled to lop the freaking kid’s head off! The police show up and so do the parents of their freshly decapitated child prompting the father to start yelling like one hella pissed mofo at the Detective (whose name is Sam by the way). Sam tells them to chill out (Ha!) and the parents go home (big mistake).
The PO’d father sits in a pool of his own anger while the timid and cautious mother sits, looking as morose as the actress could portray. After a few seconds, their whore of a daughter comes down the stairs and says she wants to go to see her boyfriend because apparently dead siblings are a huge turn on for her. The disgruntled as a post office worker, father points out that her brother hasn’t even been dead for five hours and she wants to get her swerve on. She claims that she loved her brother, and then leaves because keeping her boyfriend a little bit would just be plain rude. This leaves her polar opposite parents to sit in a cesspool of half-grief.
Time passes and the father announces that he has to go get some more firewood and goes outside and starts to just sit on a log until he starts to hear a noise and completely ignores the fact that there is a huge goddamn snowman staring him down (he just assumed it was there already). Jack Frost gets closer and eventually goes for one of the coolest goddamn murders of the 90’s. Jack Frost grabs the axe by the furnace(?) and does the exact opposite of what you would think to do with it. He grabs it and shoves it through his head handle first, leaving the axe part of it coming out of his throat. Then he goes for the mother. I should mention first that the mother says earlier in the film that when she was a little kid, she always wanted to be the angel on top of the tree. Jack, oh so, subtly sneaks up on him and makes her get near the tree. He then wraps her up with Christmas lights and shoves an ornament in her mouth and then slamming the top of her head, making the ornament shatter in her mouth. The ornament part was actually done in one, brutal, shot. He also kills their daughter (in the bathtub, mind you) and her desperate boyfriend.
An FBI agent and the scientist who created the chemical that turned Jack Frost come to town to try to capture the ungodly creature but leaving the sheriff under false pretenses that they are only here to investigate the murders, when in turn they knew about Frost, but the town still does not. They go on a witch hunt to find the mutated snowman and all they find is more dead bodies. Jack kills the other two, twin-like, police officers, leaving only Sam as the entire police force for the town. Frost drives back to town in the police car that the newly dead officer was driving. At first they only see a large puddle of water, but they soon find out that Jack Frost can turn into water, move around, and then turn back into a murderous snowman. This proves to be one helluva effective method of transportation.
This eventually leads to a large showdown between Jack Frost, Sam, the FBI agent, an eccentric store owner, and the scientist. At one point, they lock Jack into a furnace by tricking him to get there, only to be proven completely ineffective because all it does is turn him into water (which he had been doing along). After they realize how goddamn retarded that was, they go back to the showdown. Sam and his son go into a car at one point to try to escape the clutches of mean old Mr. Frost, but instead of nipping at their noses, he turns himself into water and goes into their car, and turning back to himself. Sam manages to get out of the car, but that is more than can be said about his apparently incompetent son. Jack tries to kill Captain Incompetence, but Oh, Captain, my Captain! finds a bag of “oats” that he made his father earlier that day and chucks it into the anthropomorphic snowman, and it starts actually killing Jack. The confounded father then asks his son what the hell was in those oats and he says that he put antifreeze in it so that he didn’t get too cold. The thankfully not dead father then tells a shop owner to meet him in a certain location with the entire back of his truck (lined with a tarp) filled with antifreeze.
This leaves us with the epic finale to a more epic movie. Sam and Jack Frost go mono-y-mono in a house with a short-but-awesome chase sequence. Jack eventually pins Sam to a wall and starts slowly inserting a blade into him, but Sam had this planned out. He then grabs ahold of Frost and jumps out of the window and into the truck full of antifreeze waiting for him outside. Jack and Sam wrestle until Frost is completely melted. This leaves the town relieved, so they all join together to collect the antifreeze (that contains Jack Frost) in large jugs, that they then bury, thinking that they are safe. The camera shows us the jugs under the ground and the jugs start to bubble. Jack Frost is alive, baby! Also, what’s the difference between a snow-woman and a snowman? Snowballs! (They use that joke multiple times in the film).
If you want to buy this cinematic masterpiece click HERE, and keep checking back the rest of the month for a new horror review everyday of October with this year’s Macabre Month Horror.