Macabre Month of Horror 2013 movie review #14 – American Psycho 2 guest review by Shaun Hathaway

*SPOILER ALERT (although you shouldn’t even give a flippity-dippity-doo-da on a molecular level after telling you about this stupid movie)*

American Psycho 2 Poster

As soon as the first scene dares makes it presence, you can tell this movie is going to be a dreadful experience. The first scene is explaining the “origin story” of Mila Kunis’ character. It explains how a 12 year old girl killed Patrick goddamn Bateman. Now, anybody who’s read the book, seen the first movie, or didn’t eat lead paint as a child can tell you that a 12 year old girl who was tied up (and magically got herself untied) cannot kill a man whose murdering streak was nearing triple digits.

Patrick Bateman Chainsaw

She sneaks up behind Bateman (sporting a soothing facial mask for no explainable reason) torturing her harlot of a babysitter who decided to bring the kid she was babysitting to her date with Patrick Bateman, at his apartment. Which, Bateman would never do, because in the book “American Psycho“, Patrick always, always brought his dates out to eat at a high class restaurant like Dorsia, and then to an after dinner drink at his apartment where he would disfigure them so badly that Ed Gein would blush.

Even if this was post-dinner, Patrick Bateman would never allow a 12 year old to get in the way of his craving for blood and would probably just ditch the date and get a prostitute to horribly mutilate and let me just get this out there: Patrick Bateman does not kill children.

In the novel, Bateman killed a five year old at a penguin exhibit by stabbing him in the neck and then immediately regrets it because he realizes that taking the life of an adult is much more satisfying, while killing someone who hasn’t lived long enough to know good and evil is an empty accomplishment.

Actual Young RachaelNow that Rachael has somehow stabbed Bateman with a weird ice pick looking thing that Bateman had, she then exits into an elevator with, as I can only describe as, a smug look on her face with the ice pick thing-a-ma-bob and goes down the elevator and walks away from the scene. The movie then flashes forward about 6-7 years and Rachael (Mila “Four years into That 70’s Show” Kunis) is in college for forensic sciences. The “story” or whatever the hell you call this orgy of stupid, is about Rachael trying to be the assistant to her professor (William “No I’m not fudging making this up” Shatner) and is killing everybody that also might get the position. The list of people includes a wannabe yuppie whose parents are supposed to buy him into the position.

The rich boy is a stereotypical ding-dong who thinks he can do whatever he wants because his father is as rich as Scrooge McDuck. When we are first introduced to this fountain of testosterone, he is having a fit over the guidance counselor saying that he couldn’t apply to be the professor’s assistant because his grades were as crappy as he is.

Later on he sneaks into the counselor’s house and puts her cat in the microwave to alarm the counselor who then rescues the innocent cat and leads us into the most cringe inducing scene in movie history. He bashes the counselor’s head in with a plaque and we are forced to watch the act on the reflection of the microwave door while they use shoddy post-editing slow motion with a dollar store version of grunge mixed with Avril Lavigne plays god-awfully in the background.

The scene is so cringe worthy that you would swear a 3edgy5life Young Rachael14 year old made it to show his school-appointed therapist to express his “hatred for humanity” while the unsuspecting counselor haphazardly tells him that it’s very creative (just like his black makeup and fake lip-piercing). However, this was done by a full-grown man named Morgan J. Freeman and no it’s not cool god-figure Morgan Freeman, no this is the guy who produced 16 and Pregnant, Teen Mom, and Teen Mom 2.

Anyways, onward with the homicidal poser. After the whole killing the counselor ordeal, he then approaches Rachael and tries to vaguely threaten her to drop out of the running for professor’s assistant, and then the poser begins to hit on her without missing a beat as if nothing had just taken place. Rachael agrees to go on a date and on said date, (I’m going to call him ding-dong from now on) ding-dong tries to bribe Rachael with a very handsome amount of money, and Rachael swiftly declines because she must inhale cough syrup like a junkie vacuum.

After a while they go back to Rachael’s dormitory and ding-dong is desperate to get some nookie so, Rachael goes to grab a condom (even though you shouldn’t stick your dick in crazy regardless of whether or not you wrapped your breakfast sausage) Broomstick Through The Headand ding-dong jumps on Rachael’s bed and happens to find that icepick thing-a-ma-jig and Rachael comes up behind him and chokes him to death with the fudging condom.

Now, he was laying down without arm support or anything, so he could easily have picked himself up, turnaround, and punt the not so nice lady into oblivion. I think Kunis says a one-liner after, but I was too much in awe of what happened to pay attention.

Another guy is black. That’s seriously about as far as his character development went. That he was black and apparently intelligent (he did have a kind of cool afro/spike thing going on though, so that’s good). His death isn’t even that in depth or anything like that, unlike rich college douche. The closest look at his character we get is that he correctly answers a question in class. His death is also very uneventful. He gets implied stabbed to death in the middle of a busy college library with that icepick thingy and everybody seemed to leave their eyes and ears at home that day because nobody seemed to notice the one black kid at the college getting fudging stabbed to death.

Rachael Bug Eyes

The last one on the list is a girl who is playing “hide the salami” (it was in the fridge) with Shatner’s character. She is Shatner’s mistress despite having a wife and kids, how original. The whore in question chokes on gaggles of hoo-has at a time, but for the professor, she puts away her bag of hoo-has that she usually indulges upon for a rainy day.

She even gets expensive jewelry from the professor that I like to pretend are awards for an achievement of excellence in the field of ding-dong-suckery. Anyways, Kunis thinks that Harlot #1 is going to get the position because she’s good at other positions (if you get my double entendre), so Kunis goes to kill “The Harlot Letter” and decides to hang her and act like it was suicide.Hoo Ha Hoover Dead

After “The Amazing Hoo-Ha Hoover” is killed, Shatner decides to cancel the opening for professor’s assistant. This throws Rachael into super pissed mode and she decides to go for the professor this time, which you would think would be cooler than it was. She dresses like a ding-dong-slinging whore and confronts the possibly retarded professor in his office that could use a Queer Eye for a Straight Guy treatment. She tries to seduce Shatner who is way too distraught that his glorified blow up doll has died. She doesn’t succeed but nobody gives a single

Rachael Ssolitary flippity-dippity-doo-da because she was going to kill him anyways, and she does and throws him into her car. A janitor or whatever the flippity-dippity-doo-da you wanna call the bag of chromosomes that finds the body in her car. Surprise, surprise she kills Captain Moronic.

One of Shatner’s friends (not Leonard Nimoy), who is conveniently a psychologist who briefly “treated” Rachael, finds that Shatner isn’t in his office after multiple unanswered phone calls and decides that that is enough evidence to get in touch with the police (it was just a coincidence this time, I assure you that it’s typically enough evidence. They could just be hiding from you). This leads to a lame “chase” sequence where the police look up records and find out that  Rachael isn’t her real name and that she stole it from some woman she killed when she first went into college. Since apparently nobody knows about picture identity in this mentally challenged alternate universe, the police just believe Mila Kunis when they asks her if she’s Rachael.

The police magically find out where Rachael is going to in her car, so they chase her down in what Morgan J. Freeman probably thought was the car chase of the century.

Dead ShatnerIt all ends with Rachael crashing the car and it explodes in an overzealous fire. The police get out and investigate the scene and they automatically think Rachael is dead without even fudging looking for her. The camera then reveals Rachael, hoodie and all, standing behind pencil thin branches looking at the camera. So apparently everybody that lives in the town where the movie take place are all deaf, dumb, and blind.

Once you think your torture session has finally ended, it flashes forward years (again) and it’s the psychologist who just published a book and Rachael (or whatever the flippity-dippity-doo-da that dumb not so nice lady’s real name is) approaches the said author at a signing for his book and he has a poorly acted mental breakdown. Then the credits roll.

After watching this piece of vomit inducing waste, I decided to check IMDb to see if this film was actually real, or if it was just my mind unrelentlessly torturing me because of all the times I’ve killed brain-cells from sucking in helium to make myself sound funny (or that time I huffed an exorbitant amount of Sharpie in Biology Class).

Apparently this horrible goddamn monstrosity to man, God, and all his creatures, is an actual film and I also found out that this fudging movie wasn’t even supposed to be a sequel to the amazing movie and novel American Psycho, but was just a random fudging script that Lionsgate found and thought Born Again Rachaelthat since American Psycho was so profitable that they should make a sequel to it.

Anybody who has read or seen the movie American Psycho, knows that the ending leaves no possibility for a sequel. I’m not going to spoil the ending for that film, because it’s actually a good film, unlike the sequel which I had the displeasure of viewing.

Some other “fun” facts are that it only took 20 days to film this, this, this- I’ve run a blank on what else I can call this film, anyways, I also found out that Mila Kunis is ashamed of this film (but she still has yet to apologize for the new seasons of Family Guy).

To see if this movie is real, you can buy it by clicking right “HERE” and keep checking back all October long for a new horror review everyday with this year’s Macabre Month of Horror.

 

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